Everything is okay now....

Sometimes I blog to get something off my chest and it immediately helps me to feel better - it almost allows me to breathe freely again. This might be a long story to some, but I need to get it out... so I can do just that... breathe.

I will start by saying that everything is okay now.

This morning while Anna was at Safety Town, I decided to go workout at the Y. We have two that we go to regularly. This particular Y is the one I go to in the mornings before everyone else wakes up. I've never had the kids in childcare there. The other one is very family-friendly and we go there when we have the kids. And even then, we've only put the two of them in the daycare two or three times and they've been together. Today, though, there was an awesome class that I wanted to take and I thought I would leave Owen in the childcare - at the one I go to in the mornings.

So, when I checked Owen in, I told them that he had never been in there before, his age, his likes/dislikes and where I could be reached if I was needed. I was so ecstatic when I walked out and he was playing with cars and trucks and didn't even notice that I was leaving. This was the first time he didn't cry!!

I went to my workout class and LOVED it! I got an excellent workout and LOVED the late 80's-early 90's music. I was so excited to call Dan and tell him how much I enjoyed it and how great Owen was when I dropped him off.

I needed a receipt for something, so I stopped at the desk to get that started before I went to get Owen. In a great mood, I strolled to the nursery.

Then, my nightmare started....

I walked to the check-in/check-out counter at the nursery and looked over to the toddler area and I didn't see Owen right away. I looked into the infant area, and no Owen. I asked the people manning the desk where he could be. They said maybe he went upstairs with the 2-6 yr olds to the gym where the older ones play basketball and run around. I told them that couldn't be because he's only 19 mos and they don't EVER leave this space. They had a huge play area outside and the little ones can't even go out there. He couldn't be upstairs. They thought maybe he just got in line with them and he went up with them.

Red Alarm, Red Alarm, Red Alarm - screaming in my head.

So, I ran up the stairs, threw open the door to the gym and scanned the room. The lady that had been helping me downstairs followed me and began to have a conversation with the lady that was in charge in the gym. She asked where Owen was. The three of us looked around and couldn't find him. I looked at each child in that gym directly and methodologically to see if one of them was Owen. We couldn't find him. As tears fall now, they couldn't find him... I couldn't find him.

Those of you who have children know this fear, the fear that it could happen. In those moments, it was happening to me. I wish I could put into words how truly scared and sick I felt. I immediately ran down the stairs, almost pushing two slow women out of my way saying to them, please move, they've lost my child. I ran back into the nursery area and began my search and started moving things to see he was stuck somewhere or worse lying somewhere hurt. He was not there.

The panic had set in as I ran down the stairs just a few minutes earlier. It was full force when I looked through the nursery again and couldn't find him - hidden or otherwise.

I started sobbing and saying, how could you lose him? How could you lose him?

As I began my walk down the long hall to go back to the outside desk to call the police (the membership desk where everyone checks in) a lady ran in saying Owen was upstairs. I ran as quickly as my legs would carry me and again faced the gym door. I swung it open and yes, there he was - unharmed, smiling, happy to see me. The moment he was in my arms, the tears still streaming, I hugged on him and hugged on him - I kissed those soft puffy cheeks and nuzzled in his neck. My world had returned to me.

Evidently, he had been playing on a little plastic gym in the farthest corner of the gym - climbing - and there were a couple of kids in front of that. They guessed that he was behind the little gym and the kids were in front of it and we just didn't see him.

The manager of the childcare area came over and spoke with me. Everyone was apologetic and if I have to say anything positive, I will say that they all, each one of them, took responsibility for what had happened.

I calmly and very firmly told her that he should have NEVER left that area, especially because of his age. They are supposed to stay there until they are two. He should not have been allowed up in the large gymnasium with the older kids because he could have gotten hurt, pushed down, hit by ball, etc. They should have checked each child and their age BEFORE they allowed any child beyond the nursery gate. He never should have been allowed to walk up those steep stairs by himself. She tried to assure me that he probably was carried, but could not guarantee it. Finally, I told her in my firmest voice I could muster without screaming, I don't care how many children are here because of summer break and how many new workers you have --- YOU HAVE TO KNOW EXACTLY WHERE EACH CHILD IS!!

15 minutes... 15 minutes is how long I searched for Owen today... 15 minutes

I got in the car and called Dan while sitting in the parking lot. My call began with "I just want you to know, everything is okay now, but...."

Needless to say, when we picked up Anna I barely held it together until we got her in the car. It was there that I held her too tight and cried and told her over and over how much I loved her.

Although, I have spent the rest of the day in a fog, crying frequently - I think because I must have been in some shock earlier, I couldn't talk about it the rest of the day until until I saw some friendly faces when I dropped Anna off at a friends' birthday party. It was hard to say what had happened, but it felt a little better to have someone else understand, even if just a little bit.

So, I will say tonight, go find your kids and your loved ones - wherever they are - and please say a little thank you to God that you have them near and they are safe. And then, love on them... just love on them... Tonight, I will be going to bed thanking God that Owen is safely in my arms again.